Do we really ever know if we are doing the right thing for our children? Are we at any time 100% sure? I really do not know but what I do know is that right now I am 100% sure of one thing. I am 100% sure that it will be the right thing to move L to another school, out of main stream and can we say it, a Special Needs school. We have applied, have been given an evaluation date and I find myself praying every single day that he gets in. Because it's just simple to see that there can be no other way.
It's hard to admit that your child can be classified as "Special Needs". On the one hand you try to make sure that you do not see your child different than you have always seen him. Your love for him will never change - your dedication will never be less. Maybe it will be more. On the other hand, with every tag or label that has been hanged around his neck, with every diagnosis or confirmation thereof I feel we are moving forward to do what is in the end the very best for him. Not for me, for the family or for anyone else. For him. I am one of those that feel that a label is the start to making the most of countering what we expect from that label. The label is not a restriction - its a help towards a solution.
I often question myself as to what I did wrong. Is it my fault? Could I have done something different with the pregnancy, was it medicine, all those nights of very little sleep he had? Would it have made a difference if we changed his first OT earlier? Did I blindly believe people and should I have seen more? Honestly I have to just block these thoughts out and believe we did the best we could at the time. We had no experience in anything out of the neuro typical child. Because milling over them will make no difference for him, it will only be fraying my fragile nerves.
I am so very positive that we are moving in the right direction. And no, admitting he has special needs is not losing a battle, it's not losing your dreams for him, it's not admitting defeat. It's moving to make the very best of what he can be, of pushing up your sleeves to continue with the battle, of having hope in huge quantities. We will not treat him different than how we treat the other 2. We will fiercely fight for all 3of them.He may just need our fights more often, our patience more frequently and our love in more ways than the usual.
He is such a wonderful little boy. He has so much charm and so much love to share. Sometimes it breaks my heart when I see that he is not coping 100% with the day or the situation. This morning breakfast was a huge hurdle. He had so much trouble to pay attention to even eat his food. Other days it is the opposite. My hope and wish is that we will see less of this and more of the twinkle in his eyes when he enjoyed a day, when things came together and he had a great day at school. Although there are days when I verge on feeling defeated, I very often have so much hope for him.
We are moving on with hope, and positivity. And holding our thumbs that he gets in where he needs to be.