This weekend has been brutal. I feel outnumbered, outplayed and outsmarted. By my kids and life and general. I would not survive my own little suburban version of Survival much longer unless we make some changes. Or rather, just implement the changes that both Hunter and I agree on fully. I need to find myself again because at present I feel that I am not the wife I need to be, not the mom I need to be and also not the person I need to be at work. Most of all, I do not feel that I am the person I need myself to be.
You see, I am a person that needs my own space and time. It's not a luxury - it's a necessity. Hunter is much the same. It's not that we do not want to spend the time with the kids, or each other. It's just that we feel ourselves somehow left behind, caught in that ever present little wheel that the hamster is running on. If this is a result of our personalities or the fact that we had our children so late in our lives is a debate I would rather not have. So we give each other the time and the chances, but sometimes in the hectic rush of life we even forget to plan this release for ourselves. Like this weekend. Purely by chance Hunter managed a small bit of what we call "Time Out" - but it was not planned. I never managed the whole weekend. From next weekend, this is about to change. In actual fact, maybe weeknights are the first step too.
It's more than just finding time to go for lunch with a friend, or doing your hair. Or the once a month Book club, although that is something that brings me great joy. It's also about getting my groove back - finding something that will excite the inner me. My horse riding really did not do it for me any more. It's not enough. Maybe I need to find something creative, maybe the early morning Zumba class will do it for me. I really do not know right now. Give me some time on that.
And now I am not even touching on the fact that we desperately need time together alone as well. We need to find a time when we are not both just so tired and run down that we can almost not have a proper conversation. Such is life I guess, but we are surely going to try and cheat the inevitable and live life according to us.