Tuesday, 19 January 2010

I am such a whimp - and other Wednesday things.

I am ready to admit it - if I do not right now, I will never get my work done today. I am scared. I am scared beyond words to ride again.It was my first fall in 8 years but it is the very first time that I am considering not riding again. Ever. Since I started riding again in May 2008 I have never had a scare, a near fall or anything like that. But before that I had two BIG falls, one of which I cracked a bone in my wrist and a nice chunk of meat out of my right hand thigh - with the scar still showing. And I got back on again. Why this time am I so scared? The only thing I have left after a week and a half is a huge purple bruise on my left thigh. Is it because I was so sore - 8 years makes a difference on how you heal? Maybe, but I know that's not really it. In those fractions of a second that I realized I am going to fall, and fall hard, my thoughts were at one place, and one place only - my kids.Thinking what if.... and will Hunter manage on his own? Or if I get paralysed, how will we cope? Our friend Stefaan's fall with his para glider brought home to me the question of responsibility as a parent and although I am not into the dangerous part of horse riding, you can still fall - always fall, and the more you do it, the more your chances are. What about Christopher Reeves? And Hunter and I like a bit of adrenaline at times. Am I being silly?

A couple of weekends ago Hunter left the Saturday afternoon as the kids were napping to get some gardening stuff at the nursery. On hi sway there he saw a motorcycle accident that had just occurred and helped with CPR, being a first aider and former life saver. He also stayed to emotionally support the widow, whom the emergency services called and came to the scene. That's my hubby guys, as I have said previously, almost a saint. He came back home with renewed appreciation for our family and our time together - it has touched us both. And even more important for me, the promise not to buy a bike - something he has wanted for a long long time.

Now this leaves me with the question - am I responsible to ride or not. But right now, today, I am just scared. I can not handle the stress to go and ride on Saturday - it has awoken the anxiety monster who I though I had caged after last year's court case. Maybe I should just give myself another week.

So, for "Way back Wednesday" with Cheryl:

May 2008 - the day I started riding again.

Playing with Angie for Wordful Wednesday...
and for the first time, playing along with Chris and many other 365-ers
Hosted by Chris

I had a really tough afternoon with two of the kids falling apart in sobbing wrecks, but with Hunter's help escaped outside to find a subject. When I got back in to show him some ok-ish garden pics one of the sobbers just got himself together and insisted on me taking a photo which I just did to keep him happy...and giving me one of the best pictures I have taken of him ever.

I decided that as a big part of my life takes place in the work environment, I will at times take my photography hat into the office. I had my first subject in mind - he is our retired partner and only comes in once in a while to his office - I think to escape his wife and feel important ;). At 84 years of age his mind is as bright as ever, while his skin tells the stories of a life well lived. He fought in the second world war, saw Apartheid come and go and actively fought for the rainbow nation. He lost his first wife to cancer at a young age and single handily brought up 3 sons. He is Jewish but shows great respect towards Christians. Someone to admire.

In future I am going to gather my 365 photos for a week and publish on Wednesdays to link to Chris on the Thursday. If you want to see my previous 365 posts, just click on the project 365 tag in my right hand side bar.


  1. Wow! That's a tough one but you can't live your life in fear for what might happen.

  2. I've never ridden a horse in my life, I've never roller bladed, Ice skated, skiied, oh there are so many things I have never done cause I'm so scared of hurting myself...so I can understand.

    Beautiful photo's!!

  3. Thanks for your kind words! As for your horse... i get it. I was in a bad car accident and fear freeways now. I suggest you try and get back to riding as soon as possible, because for me it only got worse! Good Luck to you!

  4. I completely understand...I do not ever want to ride a bicycle again (never broke bones, but severe cuts are bad too), so my neighbors will be teaching the kiddos how to ride. That to say, fear is there for a reason, you either overcome it or embrace it...God will hold your hand either way. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us Phil 4:13.

    I love the picture of the co-worker...you can see the wisdom, character, humor, love and LIFE in his face. Great photo!

    Glad to see one of your subjects calmed down enough for a photo...He is so handsome!!! Cherish that photo forever!

    have a great week Cat!

  5. My mother caused me to fear life and I wish she hadn't. I was never allowed on a horse, I was never allowed roller skates, skateboards, ice skates or to travel by bus or walk home from school.
    My mother has suffered from anxiety her whole life and she smothered me with it.

    Don't do that to yourself, don't stop living because of fear. Our paths are mapped out for us and I doubt whether anything we do or don't do will change that path.

    If you enjoy it, go for it, if not, then it's time to get out of the saddle, good luck!!

  6. I've had similar thoughts about the wisdom of getting back on a horse, which I intend to do, for the first time since 1999, this Easter. But I'm going to do it anyway...I think...I keep remembering that time I came off in the sand arena, did my back in and couldn't get off the lounge for 3 days. So, yeah, I hear you on that one.

    When my oldest kid was still a baby my husband decided to go sky-diving with some work mates. Most of them signed up for a tandem jump, but not Adam. Nope, he had to jump solo. On his very first jump. There were instructors jumping with him to make sure he pulled the ripcord but after that he was on his own. Holding my tongue and not begging him to stay on the ground was really, really hard.

    I don't think you're being silly, but we do a whole bunch of risky things every day without thinking twice, not least of which is traveling on the roads. So in the end I don't think giving up something you love because of fear of what might happen is such a great trade-off. (Please remind me of this come Easter!)

  7. You really pose something worth thinking about. Is riding a part of your soul?

  8. I can appreciate that fear - it is a real fear because you know what can happen and the fact that it has makes it more real!

    But maybe go and see how you feel once there. Even if you dont ride and just spend some time with the horses?

    I LOVE that last photo!

  9. I'm so sorry you had such a scare. I'm such a wimp I haven't been on a horse since I was tiny...and even then, never alone!

    Woooo for 365!!!

    You linked to three of my favorite people...which means you MUST be someone I should know even better!! :)

  10. That is a tough question. I have a similar story with a ski accident where I was almost paralyzed. It is hard for me to get back on skis, but I did. But now that I have the twins, (I haven't skied since they were born), I'm wondering the same things.

  11. anxiety often gets the best of me too, and while i think you should listen to it, i also think that there are times that you have to over ride what it is telling you...

  12. From another rider: GET BACK ON. Even if it's for a short walk around the arena with your instructor walking the horse. When a horse has a bad jumping round and is disqualified for refusing, they still ask the horse to jump a smaller fence so they won't leave the arena "failing". Let Saturday be your easy "fence". Your instructor will understand and work with you, whatever you choose to do after that. But do get back on!

    I understand your fears. I used to train colts and after being kicked in the chest, laid on, run over, etc, I don't think I could go back to that with kids. BUT, I do still love to ride. Just not with the colts anymore. You've got to be there for your kids but you've also got to be there for yourself too. It's a hard road to walk.

    Good luck and please let us know what you decide!

  13. I think it takes a ton of courage to ride again after those experiences. Horses are beautiful, but they've always scared me when I've ridden.

  14. Absolutely LOVE that last photo, it's awesome!
    As far as the riding goes, I agree with everyone else, you can't live your life with that fear. You can hurt yourself walking for crying out aloud :)

  15. Oh Cat---wish I knew the "right" thing to say----thankfully, I feel as though I know your heart and wisdom. Whatever you decide I know you are an example and joy to your family-riding or no!

    Thank you for sharing such a sweet image of you on the horse! (Sarah my little rider---which scares me a bit, but she loves it--will have to see this pic)

    So happy you played along with Way Back When-esday this week--hope to see you back again next week!

  16. That is a tough question. I totally get it, but where do we draw the line between living 'carefully' and not living life at all? I say give yourself a bit more time to think about it...make the right decision for YOU...

  17. En hier kom ek ook uiteindelik uit!

    Ek is mal oor jou homepage! so girlie! ;)

  18. I am petrified of horses and I can't even tell you why. Silly really cause I've not even tried to ride on one. My son is dying to go horse riding and I know I have to let him try and I'm trying hard not to let my fear become his fear.

    Good luck !!!

  19. Hey, when I was first reading that post I thought you had been riding elephants or something crazy... Not much of a horse fan myself.. but always best to get back on that bike...thanks for stopping by -- loving this SITS craziness..

  20. I have just come across your blog and just want to say I empathise with your feelings of fear after falling off a horse. I have also had that experience and I think that, as we get older (and I am a lot older than you!), things like that are more scary. I just want to encourage you to get back on, even for a short walk around. It will do your self-esteem no end of good. All the best!

  21. That photo of your client is a brilliant one.

    As for falling off the horse...I can understand your fear, but fear is not of God and we can't let fear rule our lives. that being said, a break from it to get your thoughts back together would probably be a good idea!

  22. These are fantastic shots, and I love what you had to say -- especially about how our skin tells the story of our lives.

    Someone to admire, indeed.

  23. Getting back on the horse would definitely be the best thing to do. If nothing else it will help with the fear.
    I loved the picture of your retired boss, it tells such a story all by itself, especially in the black and white tone.
    I wish you luck!
    If you'd like to stop by my blog I'm at Cake Crumbs.

  24. Beautiful job on these pics. Sorry about the horse, and I'm happy for you, that you've gotten back on again since.


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