or I can talk about how shocked we are to hear about another couple in our group of friends heading for divorce. Somehow talking about the hectic term will be way easier. However I feel that I need to say what I need to say about the topic. I am in no way more equipped that the next person to talk about it and but somehow I feel I need to. I also do not mean to criticize anyone that has been through a divorce. We all have circumstances no one else may comprehend
Obviously there are times when divorce is the only way out. I am sure for everyone the conditions may vary and some of us may be more stringent on them than others. To me it boils down to a promise I made before God to love and honour our bond. However two issues will always stand out to me as real reasons to consider divorce - violence should never be tolerated and cheating and broken trust can be very hard to repair. I for one would be devastated but counseling should always be an option.
I just feel getting divorced is too easy, too lightly taken these days. The fallout always land with the children. I am certainly not more knowledgeable that any one else on the subject but we are heading for a happy 13 years this December. And yes, it has not always been moonlight and roses, unicorns and rainbows. We have been through pretty tough times - some induced by one or both of us, but mostly thrown to us by what life brings. The honest truth is that these issues will be in every single marriage. Be it that one of you work so hard that the other feel ignored, or that the inclusion of children brings a feeling of loss in what you had in the marriage. Be it financial hardship or family involvement. There are so many issues - one can really not even start to define all.
Although one would be unrealistic to forget that a successful marriage requires a lot of hard work, dedication and sacrifice from both partners I do believe a very basic item is often forgotten. Its simple: Who and what in that person made you fall in love with them when you first saw, touched or kissed them? Very often it's not exactly beauty that will fade. What was the initial attraction? If it was their infectious laugh, maybe you should laugh again - together. Maybe it was the wonderful conversation you had - maybe you should talk more. Have more fun together, get to know each other for the person you were and still am. Find the magic once again. Because it is still there.
We chose each other - years ago for the persons we were. And still am, deep under the childcare issues, the work hardships and the stress life bring.
It's so hard when this happens, especially to friends and especially when there are kids involved. Marius' ex-wife left him for another woman, so I know too well how difficult it can be to re-build trust, even though it wasn't me who broke that trust. It's very sad, but I am grateful that he is mine to care for and love unconditionally now. And hopefully some of the damage that has been caused by the split and unusual living circumstances can also be healed with his boys seeing what a "normal" family is like.
ReplyDeleteI once heard an interview with a couple who'd been married for 60 or 70 years on the radio and when they were asked how they'd managed to do it, the wife answered by saying "in our days, when something was broken, you fixed it, you didn't throw it away". I so strongly agree that marriage is one promise that should NEVER be broken.
Thanks for sharing your frustrations, big hugs,
Sue XXX
I think you are very right.. its too easy to get divorced... Being married is great some days and then for months its not so great... Its about keep on keeping on.. Its NOT easy but I am sure there is a great reward in sticking it out. Looking at the stats, your chances of getting divorced is much higher the second time around...so i have to think its it worth it? (Obviously i'm generilising because I know there are lots of very happy second marriages out there) I think we should teach our kids about the importance of choosing the right partner... waiting to hear about WHO that partner should be and NOT to settle but to wait for just the right one.. My motto is (and my hubby knows this) you can annoy me, make me mad, do whatever you want to but I am NOT going anywhere... you are kind of stuck with me for a really long time :) just my 5 cents... x (P.S. I am finding the 3rd time to be WAY too hectic for my liking!!!)
ReplyDeleteI think everytime something happens to someone who is close to us it does cause introspection. Marriage is hard work!! I think in Joburg the divorce stats are high but I just look at both our sets of parents still together and that's inspiring :)
ReplyDeleteI love this Cat. I too agree that divorce is way too "easy" these days. I use the term easy loosely as it can never be an easy thing to go through, but I just find that people don't work at their marriages the way they should. My G and I have been together for 14 years this year and there have been some really tough times, but I could never even imagine not sharing the good and bad with him. He is the man I chose to share my life with, and he's got me for life.
ReplyDeleteI love this post so much. So, so much.
ReplyDeleteWe are in it for the long haul too. Right this minute is not the best we've ever been but the highs and lows are part of life. And of marriage. Kids do put a huge strain, it's true.
Interesting what you said because last week I was driving home from Spanish and they were talking about marriage on the radio (I don't know which station - it was D's car as I wait for him to pull in, and jump in the car and off to Spanish on a Tues) and the one lady said when her daughter and future SIL told them they want to get married, she said to both of them, "go write down the 5 things you most love about the other, and then come back". They did and she said she doesn't want to see it but they need to keep that because when things are hard, they need to take out that piece of paper and read it ... and remember WHY they fell in love! :)
Nevertheless, I'm very sorry to hear about your friends! Have they tried counselling?
So sorry to hear about a divorce. We're having our 20th wedding anniversary this October 22nd. We've been through rough times, but they made us stronger. We've had great times which have been truly awesome as we had each other to share them with. It is a lot of hard work, but it is so worth it in the long run!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your sentiment about sticking it out.
ReplyDeleteBut it is NOT easy to get divorced. It is one of the most difficult things going though, especially when you have children. When you have reached a stage where it is beyond repair, it is usually the last resort to get divorced! And after divorce everything is so much more complicated with regards the children and new relationships and merged new families!
I teach my daughters to not stay in toxic relationships, as I had done for too long! It is better for everybody (especially the children) to get out as soon as possible!
Please post another book. I have read some from your list and I have had fun, getting new things in to read. I need something new again you have made good recommendations.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on all counts...seeing my sister so devastated after her recent divorce brought it very close to me. My heart breaks when my loved ones go through these things.
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