Bright eyes.

It is our wedding anniversary today - 14 years! Wow - I am blessed to have the most wonderful man in the world as my partner on this journey called life. My heart is so full of love today that maybe I need to write about that on another day.

Who knew? Who knew that Mr L had dark blue eyes with a green inner circle? The honest truth is that for the last 6 years in his life he has permanently had glasses on and no one ever noticed his eyes. Just the glasses. Yesterday his life changed - he got contact lenses for his right eye. And its not just about convenience or looks. To him, its like having some way of normal sight and the opportunity to learn how to read successfully next year.

Let me explain - up until now he saw everything in double when he has his glasses on - in two different sizes. Not wearing his glasses would have meant totally losing the vision in his right eye. It was the only way that the doctors could keep the functioning of his right eye to give us the chance to do what we are now doing. To make a long story short - his two eyes' sight differs with 8 points - this means that it can never be compensated with glasses only. He therefore has a 4,5 lens in his glasses for his visually impaired right eye making the difference in size of objects already severe. Anything more would have made it impossible for the brain to add it into sort of one picture. The optometrist yesterday gave me a lens to hold in front of my right eye to see how he has been seeing the world up to now - I was shocked ! I would have never coped but I guess if its all you know ....He also has a third of the same eye that is totally blind towards his nose - about that nothing can ever be done.

So we came to the time in his life where we had to do this in preparation for grade 1 next year - get him to wear a contact lens or failing that a lens transplant operation early next year. I was nervous but tried to play it cool. We were sent by his Ophthalmologist to a wonderful optometrist that specialise in contact lenses and is known to be successful with kids. Apparently if the first try is a disaster you miss the chance - at least for a few years so it was critical to get this done and the right way. This is also why they wait until now especially with kids with sensory issues.

We had a long consultation, fitting of two different types and then he had one in L's eye. He told him to open his eyes and showed him a beautiful picture of a fish eagle. I wish I had caught that look on his face with the phone camera but I really did not know that it would make such a huge difference. His whole face lit up and he had a huge smile. He jumped out of the chair and danced around. Oh my heart! I shed a few tears.

After all this we had an education lesson about the do s and don't s and then I had to take the lens out and put it back in myself. It took me close to 3/4 hour to do this properly and many many tries and frustration. This morning I prepared myself for the worst- and guess what? First time lucky! I am so positive that this is going to work. That this is going to make such a difference for him. Here's wishing the best for it.

BTW I knew nothing about contact lenses until now - what a new world. And apologies if that song is now turning in your head - it has been turning in mine since yesterday when it played in the mall after we left the Optometrist rooms.

On labels and much more.

Do we really ever know if we are doing the right thing for our children? Are we at any time 100% sure? I really do not know but what I do know is that right now I am 100% sure of one thing. I am 100% sure that it will be the right thing to move L to another school, out of main stream and can we say it, a Special Needs school. We have applied, have been given an evaluation date and I find myself praying every single day that he gets in. Because it's just simple to see that there can be no other way.

It's hard to admit that your child can be classified as "Special Needs". On the one hand you try to make sure that you do not see your child different than you have always seen him. Your love for him will never change - your dedication will never be less. Maybe it will be more. On the other hand, with every tag or label that has been hanged around his neck, with every diagnosis or confirmation thereof I feel we are moving forward to do what is in the end the very best for him. Not for me, for the family or for anyone else. For him. I am one of those that feel that a label is the start to making the most of countering what we expect from that label. The label is not a restriction - its a help towards a solution.

I often question myself as to what I did wrong. Is it my fault? Could I have done something different with the pregnancy, was it medicine, all those nights of very little sleep he had? Would it have made a difference if we changed his first OT earlier? Did I blindly believe people and should I have seen more? Honestly I have to just block these thoughts out and believe we did the best we could at the time. We had no experience in anything out of the neuro typical child. Because milling over them will make no difference for him, it will only be fraying my fragile nerves.

I am so very positive that we are moving in the right direction. And no, admitting he has special needs is not losing a battle, it's not losing your dreams for him, it's not admitting defeat. It's moving to make the very best of what he can be, of pushing up your sleeves to continue with the battle, of having hope in huge quantities. We will not treat him different than how we treat the other 2. We will fiercely fight for all 3of them.He may just need our fights more often, our patience more frequently and our love in more ways than the usual.

He is such a wonderful little boy. He has so much charm and so much love to share. Sometimes it breaks my heart when I see that he is not coping 100% with the day or the situation. This morning breakfast was a huge hurdle. He had so much trouble to pay attention to even eat his food. Other days it is the opposite.  My hope and wish is that we will see less of this and more of the twinkle in his eyes when he enjoyed a day, when things came together and he had a great day at school. Although there are days when I verge on feeling defeated,  I very often have so much hope for him.

We are moving on with hope, and positivity. And holding our thumbs that he gets in where he needs to be.