Monday, 4 April 2011

Running on empty.

Most of you know that this is not the place to come for unicorns, rainbows and bubbles. I tell it like it is. Even the days that does involve unicorns and rainbows and bubbles are told like it is. That is why I know you will not blame me for having another little cry parade here. A little sorry I am sobbing. A desperate sharing in the hope it acts therapeutic....

The truth is, as Hunter and I at last sagged onto the couch at 9:30 last night, well him, not me, I have been watching "It's complicated", we sighed and he said it: "we are in survival mode once again". That is what we describe the first year of the twins' life - when you basically survive, and do no more. And every so often we would find ourselves slipping back to it when thing turn a bit pear-shaped in the household. I wish we can just totally get out of it.

This weekend has been tough on the toughest level - mostly with sleep, but also more. On Friday night my mobile phone was stolen out of my handbag in our local Spur. I have battered myself about being careless, but in all honesty, I do not think I was. I just think I was prey to a very clever thief. The bag was never left alone at the table. Hubby went back to search, and talk to management , but no joy .So, I spent the evening canceling the sim card and starting the process to blacklist the phone.Checking when we can upgrade phones etc. It was close to 12 when we went to sleep. Apart from Little man C coughing we had a pretty good night's sleep - L was just up very early.

Saturday was spent with the usual admin drama following something like this. But what got to us this weekend is having two boys with sleeping problems and two boys that throw tantrums. Little man C has wonderfully outgrown the tantrum dramas mostly in the last few months, but being as sick as he is at present has just pushed him over that line.He was miserable. With little man L we are learning to cope with the issues more and more every day, but we do have our moments. Of which the worst proved to be nap time and bed time. Gosh, it was exhausting. C coughs too much to fall asleep easily and L is Mr Energizer bunny, not falling asleep or staying asleep. I realize more and more as I am reading about SID that this is so typical.We had our celebratory curry for India and Gary Kirsten's world cup at about 10:45 on Saturday night - as that is when both the boys at last fell asleep.

After a fitful and rather disrupted sleep Saturday night, we were at the doctor again on Sunday morning. It seems like the croup has triggered an asthma relapse which has in turn left the door open for a bout of bronchitis. Today he is doing much better and he has an ok night last night.

The crux of the matter is that I think I am running empty on an emotional level. As if so many things have couped up and needs to be released. There is work stress, stress about family issues - I am just very anxious in general. Maybe 4 years of all this survival mode stuff has left it's mark. I need to hear from someone who has been there, and done that and can tell me that it will get better.And then I realize that the text number my friend Hesti left was on the stolen phone, and her husbands email address that is the one used for now, and her mom's number.....and she hasn't posted on her blog since they left.

I do believe that the good Lord will not let something cross your path that you can not handle, but sometimes I wonder if he mistook me for someone else when he sent us the twins? It has been the toughest of tough 4 years.But nope, He does not make mistakes. So we live and learn. We take an hour each and go to gym to retain our sanity and at least when we sag down on the couch we have each other. And a prayer to console.


  1. Gosh sounds crazy :( I have been through nap/sleep time battles so I totally get that - it literally sucks the life out of you! BUT it does pass!!

  2. oh man, my heart aches for you. it will get better, maybe not as fast as you would like but it WILL get better. I was left a nervous wreck at the end of last year after a string of difficulties that even followed me into 2011, i even resorted to Espiride (a generic of Eglonyl) for 2wks to help my find my equilibrium. Do what you must to cope with your life. Hugs to you Cat . x

  3. Oh my friend...If you stayed closer I would play Ouma and take them for a weekend to give you and Hunter a break. I wish I could do something practical for you. Sending big HUGS and praying for a good night's sleep for all of you.

  4. There is nothing I can say to make it better. But know that it does get easier (apparently), the older they (the twins) get. What about mailing Tertia? I know she struggled with her two, and I'm sure she could give you some very valid advice. Sleep deprivation is the worst. You just never seem to catch up and I know how awful that it - i remember it clearly from when my girls where babies (and they were good sleepers).

    As you said God does not give you what he believes you cannot handle. All you can do is trust in him and pray. Remember the super kak year Lynette had last year? And she made it through. YOu will too my dear. YOu will too.

    You do know that I am on the end of the phone and email if you need me. Pls let me have your new no (or are you keeping your old one). I'll mail you my details.

    Will keep you in my prayers my friend. xxx

  5. I am so sorry you are going through a rough time at the moment. I really hope things get better for you soon!

    My phone was also stolen out of my handbag at the Spur last year (at a kids party) - it was the one on Lynnwood Road. So frustrating!!

  6. Sounds like you need a vacation!

  7. Oh Cat!
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.

    All I can say is that it will not always be like this
    Pats on the back for coping with all you've all been through!
    I hope Little Man C recovers quickly and life becomes more peaceful for you all.

  8. You poor thing - you sound so, so tired and demotivated. It does sound like you're running on empty.

    I'm going to pray for supernatural energy for you. I laughed at what you said about God maybe getting it wrong to drop off the twins with you :)

    Why don't you and H take a half day's leave and just sleep? I know it's indulgent but oh, so very necessary.

    Now that the boys are at school, the house will be nice and quiet.

    I do love how you're making the time for gym and each other. Are you eating properly? :)

  9. Oh Cat....I'm so sorry to hear all this. It is so hard to keep going through the motions when you're so tired and frustrated and emotionally drained. I hope your lil men get well. I hope you all get some rest. I hope you can take a break from work and I hope you can take some time for yourself and Hunter. I know its not easy, but for sanity's sake - I hope you can make a commitment for YOU. Hang in there friend...

    April is Autism Awareness Month. I'm dedicating my blog all month to Autism.

  10. I have nothing to say, except I am thinking of you. HUGS!

  11. Shame, Cat! I just said yesterday that I don't feel like I have recovered completely after the two year old toddler was born... I was permanently "damaged"/feels like I can't get back my lost sleep/ health-wise struggling etc. Now you've got twins, and SIDS! You are allowed to complain, and a LOT! It doesn't help to say it will get better (because we know it will), but hang in there...
    In the meantime, be good to yourself in any small way possible! Best of wishes/luck/prayers!

  12. We try to girl, but in times of stress I tend to eat less and not more.

  13. Thanks as always - I think I might just mail Tertia. My no is the same, so please sms me yours.

  14. Thanks my friend, you know if we lived in PE we would have you and my MIL and FIL who I know would love to help out.

  15. I would lie if I say I have not considered it.

  16. I think it's wonderful that the two of you take an hour each for gym to get back your sanity because that is what I too do each day of the week. It helps a lot.
    Sorry to hear that you two are in survival mode again and don't even apologize for ranting. That is why we are all here. For support and comfort and to just listen. Hugs

  17. I know that "running on empty" feeling. I also wish that God didn't trust us so much, since it definitely appears that some of us get more than we can 'comfortably' handle. I've got no idea how this gets better or when, but I wish for you peaceful nights sleep, rejuvinating rest and the strength to cope without feeling drained.

  18. I'm afraid I'm not the best person to give advice on how to get out of survival mode as that's what I'm doing at the moment given my circumstances. What I could suggest is perhaps finding someone to send the kids to for an afternoon and night or perhaps a whole weekend so that you and Hunter can catch up on some sleep, spend some time together, go to a spa, and just recharge. I would gladly babysit for a day if it would help at all...

  19. So sorry that you and Hunter are in survival mode. You are allowed to complain - this is your space to do just that. Thinking of you and hoping that your energy levels come back tenfold.

  20. Wish I knew the magic words to make everything better. I truly believe God only gives us what we can handle. Thinking and praying for your sweet family. Katie

  21. I hear you Cat! I often wonder what God was thinking ...perhaps He meant someone else, but I too know the truth and it's just me doubting myself.
    You'll get through this and you just have to keep trusting that. I know your faith is strong, so put all of your eggs in that basket. It WILL see you through.
    Trust me, if I can get through my last 6 months and still be encouraging others, I know that God is with us. We just have to never doubt.
    I've heard that Satan tests the most faithful because they scare him the most. Perhaps we should be proud of our trials?

  22. I havent been there yet as I only have one babe. But like you I have noticed there are highs and lows on this parenthood journey, so YES I believe it will get better. Hang in there sweetie...and sorry to hear about Grandpa. When it rains, it pours!!! :(


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