Running on empty.

Most of you know that this is not the place to come for unicorns, rainbows and bubbles. I tell it like it is. Even the days that does involve unicorns and rainbows and bubbles are told like it is. That is why I know you will not blame me for having another little cry parade here. A little sorry I am sobbing. A desperate sharing in the hope it acts therapeutic....

The truth is, as Hunter and I at last sagged onto the couch at 9:30 last night, well him, not me, I have been watching "It's complicated", we sighed and he said it: "we are in survival mode once again". That is what we describe the first year of the twins' life - when you basically survive, and do no more. And every so often we would find ourselves slipping back to it when thing turn a bit pear-shaped in the household. I wish we can just totally get out of it.

This weekend has been tough on the toughest level - mostly with sleep, but also more. On Friday night my mobile phone was stolen out of my handbag in our local Spur. I have battered myself about being careless, but in all honesty, I do not think I was. I just think I was prey to a very clever thief. The bag was never left alone at the table. Hubby went back to search, and talk to management , but no joy .So, I spent the evening canceling the sim card and starting the process to blacklist the phone.Checking when we can upgrade phones etc. It was close to 12 when we went to sleep. Apart from Little man C coughing we had a pretty good night's sleep - L was just up very early.

Saturday was spent with the usual admin drama following something like this. But what got to us this weekend is having two boys with sleeping problems and two boys that throw tantrums. Little man C has wonderfully outgrown the tantrum dramas mostly in the last few months, but being as sick as he is at present has just pushed him over that line.He was miserable. With little man L we are learning to cope with the issues more and more every day, but we do have our moments. Of which the worst proved to be nap time and bed time. Gosh, it was exhausting. C coughs too much to fall asleep easily and L is Mr Energizer bunny, not falling asleep or staying asleep. I realize more and more as I am reading about SID that this is so typical.We had our celebratory curry for India and Gary Kirsten's world cup at about 10:45 on Saturday night - as that is when both the boys at last fell asleep.

After a fitful and rather disrupted sleep Saturday night, we were at the doctor again on Sunday morning. It seems like the croup has triggered an asthma relapse which has in turn left the door open for a bout of bronchitis. Today he is doing much better and he has an ok night last night.

The crux of the matter is that I think I am running empty on an emotional level. As if so many things have couped up and needs to be released. There is work stress, stress about family issues - I am just very anxious in general. Maybe 4 years of all this survival mode stuff has left it's mark. I need to hear from someone who has been there, and done that and can tell me that it will get better.And then I realize that the text number my friend Hesti left was on the stolen phone, and her husbands email address that is the one used for now, and her mom's number.....and she hasn't posted on her blog since they left.

I do believe that the good Lord will not let something cross your path that you can not handle, but sometimes I wonder if he mistook me for someone else when he sent us the twins? It has been the toughest of tough 4 years.But nope, He does not make mistakes. So we live and learn. We take an hour each and go to gym to retain our sanity and at least when we sag down on the couch we have each other. And a prayer to console.