I know that Mr L has demanded a lot of attention this year - it has been a very tough adaption for him. Mr C has the talent to demand his own attention amidst Mr L's tantrum which is tough at that moment but possibly better release to the issue than A who runs to her room and distance herself. But sometimes he looks at me and his eyes shows clearly that he feels he needs a bit more. Those blue eyes can look a hole through your best intentions. I have to make sure that he does not quietly feel deprived as well.
There is also the issue that A is older and parties are mostly drop off affairs for her now and with the boys we really still need to go with them. I know that this is an issue for her because she dropped something about it- but she has to accept that parents are not necessarily welcome at parties any more. I also know that this week is tough with all the ballet and that she would have loved to have me at the netball yesterday but it was simply not possible. So I promised her I would be with her this weekend for the ballet - well most of it because I do want to watch the show too and I have to get the boys home on Friday afternoon. I know this is important to her because this morning she said "You can just drop me at the ballet, I am the big girl and I will look after myself. You can go to the brothers because they need you more"" in a tone of voice that says the right opposite. Followed by " I know you love them more" Oh my heart broke - did I really not give her enough attention or is it just her perception? I know this is possible manipulation but I can also see that she maybe needs this right now.
However the truth or not, I do think she needs a bit of love and care at the moment. I am no love languages expert but I know that quality time is important to her - by choice she always wants to make something with me, not get something or go somewhere. And words of affirmation - she lives for praise. Both of these are tough - the correct and enough attention especially one on one to 3 kids is never an easy task even with a full on board very attentive dad that really fills in wherever he can. He really goes the extra mile for use all. I have no idea how single moms juggle all this. We also try to stress the importance of being humble on our kids, but building self confidence at the same time. A very tough balance. Roll into this the forever working mom guilt of not being everywhere always.
So wish us luck in trying to break ourselves into 3 equal pieces which in honesty one can never do. But yes, a juggle on a balance thing.
I would love to know how you deal with this in your house, especially if there are more kids than parents in the house.
BTW I have decided not to do my photo a day on the blog any more - most are featured in my Project life posts anyways - I am still publishing on Instagram (catjuggles) and sharing on Facebook and Twitter so you can find them there. I have also posted my newest Project life pages here.
My friend!!! It is VERRRRY difficult.
ReplyDeleteBreaks my heart to hear that and must be 1000X worse for you.
Sadly, the kids need to be spoken to in their love language from each parent. It is difficult and again, sadly, the quality time child is the "hardest" to satisfy on a continual basis which is why you just involve them with everything you have to do (dishes, laundry, organising... :))
I sometimes also tend to forget about one child when something big is happening to the other one and get this at home too sometimes. Which make me feel that I have failed as a parent. But we're human and with so much going, we tend to commit to the child with the problem.
ReplyDeleteI take my hat off to Moms with more than one child. I know how demanding Jada is..and is getting more so, as she gets older....Being Mom to more than one is exhausting
ReplyDeleteQuite a juggling act, with the three! I sometimes feel that I do not have enough time for my two, and the eldest doesn't need that much time any more!
ReplyDeleteI think that if you try and give your utmost to be there, they do understand!
Ag ja Cat... so d you also sometimes feel stretched thin and a little resentful that you do in fact try very hard plus put food on table etc etc
ReplyDeleteOh you know
DeleteI use Cameron's sports for time with Kiara - sounds odd but during a cricket game he plays for maybe 20 minutes - when he bats and bowls - the rest of the time it's Kiara and I (and Jack) next to the field - we talk and catch up a lot during these times.
ReplyDeleteCameron and I spend a hour a week together when K is in therapy - Jack is there but it is better than 2 other people pulling me.
It's not ideal but it's all I can do right now.
Ai vriendin. Ek weet nie hoe hou jy al die balle in die lug nie. Ek kan maar net se dat ek vir jou bid vir wysheid en insig.
ReplyDeleteAh my friend. I hear you loud and clear. I'm so sorry. I wish I had the answers. In the meantime though, I will pray for you. And her. Much love. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh my word, I don't know how you do it! I struggle with just one little person in giving enough quality time while working.
ReplyDeleteWhen the crying and the tears and the I miss yous, and why do you have to works come once a week at a least, it can be difficult to not feel guilty. I think as long as you give as much as you can, and when she says things like that to you , you tell her it is not the case and when you are with her, you are with her,present in that moment, then she will be fine. Same goes for all your beautiful children. Good luck Cat:-)
I have never met a single parent who feels they are cracking it in this area....its such a balancing act. i generally find that at any given time ONE of my kids will be more demanding than the others. Sometimes for an entire season. But the pendulum swings...it all evens out I think. I do know that it is definitely the toughest job for the oldest kid...I see it with R too. I do expect a lot more from her and sometimes I have to dial it back. You are not alone. Keep on trucking - you are doing goooood!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard splitting yourself in three! It's hard splitting yourself between your children, and your husband and your work! No-one says it's easy but I think your'e doing a sterling job! Don't beat yourself up! You're a good Mom and it shows :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I had tips for the bslancing act. It's the toughest part if having multiple children.
ReplyDeleteI unofficially to the "Kid of the Day" thing. I try to spread around the attention, but make an attempt to primarily focus on one kid a day. It may not work so well as they grow-up, but it works for us now.
Good luck. Maybe you and Princess can get out and do something together.
This post really touched me... I feel for you! I know how hectic life can be with one child (least my family's an even one on one) and trying to find enough time for quality time is difficult. I'm sure that, as a girl, she knows exactly what to say and do to pull on all your heart strings, so you must take her words with a pinch of salt, even though they sting. You are doing the best you can for all of your children and they will all need you differently and for different things are different times in life. Maybe you should try explain this to her.
ReplyDeleteMy sister got divorced 3 weeks after she got married. The wedding was just before Christmas in 2003 and she was fully divorced by mid March 2004. She needed my parents and it was a very difficult time for her. A few months later, my hubs died and then it was my turn to need them. My needs came over and above everyone else's in the family and my parents are still fiercly protective over Jake and I. Perhaps this is because both my sisters are happily married now with husbands who adore them, while I'm still alone.
Things happen. Live happens. And it's not always what we want when we want - it's a tough lesson to learn. Try find some special time to set aside just for Anneke; perhaps Hunter can take the boys out and you girls can do something crafty at home, or cook them a nice meal together for when they come home and you're all a happy family again.
Growing up with a sibling who has more demanding needs isn't easy, but neither is being a parent!!
Sending love and lots of good luck with this.
Sue X
I do think we under estimate the stress an out of sync sibling puts on the others
DeleteMaybe a little one on one time will make her feel better?
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty cat. You're doing the best you can and it's awesome - I take my hat off to how much you do get done and how involved you are.
So so sorry Cat!!!! Breaks my heart to read this. Hope you can find a balance some how and also try to explain to her during a one on one time with her that she is loved always and that even though it might not always look like that!!! For example the party thing she probably doesn't get it that parents are not really welcome there. Even though she might be manipulating you, I still would find a way to chat to her about it, last thing you want is it causing her to start acting up or not doing well in school.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love and hugs and praying for wisdom and strength for you and hubby and understanding for A and the boys to know that mummy and daddy love them dearly and everything you do is always for their good
I really relate. I feel a little disconnected from my boys right now and like I really don;t give them enough proper attention. VERY tough as a single mom, but actually possibly MORE important for me to fix and get right!!! :/
ReplyDeleteOh I feel for you. Even though it must be hard to feel like you aren't pleasing your children perfectly, I think there are lessons in that. She is learning to be more independent. I think these are normal feeling of growing up. When we're little our parents do everything with us. As we get older, as parents and children we have to let go a little bit.
ReplyDelete